One of the biggest decade activities I have seen within the more art based accounts I follow has been the "Then vs. Now" imagery. A striking comparison of one's improvement to their work over the 10 year grind which best display's to both themselves and the world how they have improved... or um-improved.
For me; It kinda is rather difficult as I started tapering off of art as work became more cumbersome in my mental health overall and I started looking at another project focusing more on photography overall. I could say the plan was a perfect balance, but let's be real here - I never got past website layout remake stage usually anyways. Needless to say; I don't think I have a exact comparison of a single character between the decade. Many of the Celix OG characters wound up being shadowed by newer ones. But let's ruffle up something - shall we?
Wow... Difference doesn't seem visible, but the scarcity of art in general is. 2011 Silver was one of like 3 images saved and still one of my faves of her. 2015 I drew a Pumpkin Cosplay image as her design starting pushing towards the whole Otaku Girl mindset. 2017 was the last real image made up to currently. Kawaiichi #10 started to form a design and idea.
Of course; my Kawaiichi human designs are already in my mind needing updates and the collection I have dubbed to myself as " the Kawaiichi Sisters" have been trying to take my attention from everything else; yet with no art made. Only the last week or so has another older - yet newer character has been trying to develop her place.
Now with the formalities of trends and the decade's end out of the way. I have to spill my soul onto this post as a way to get out my thoughts without burdening my, quite frankly, only friend.
I feel I made a post around November 30th or December 1st in 2018 about my Grandmother's passing. I expected the next year (2019) to be difficult as I expected myself to start going through things alone and downsize while going to work and still doing things to keep myself happy.
I failed fairly spectacularly at the downsizing and again in a showing of being quite frank and transparent; I have been slowly failing at being a functioning depressed lump of the world. Granted I am not in any way diagnosed with depression nor planning to see anyone about it. I have a firm belief that doctors are not really looking for ones best interest and are now quite fast to drop some illness on you to keep you medicated or paying out.
The feelings I had went from mildly disconnected from the world at the start of the year; ending the year, after a few financial stresses, feeling much less of a value to myself or the world and increasingly feeling as if my only connections to reality thru human contact were losing interest in me thru my own self created reasoning. I suffer on and off of this situation over the years and in our hypertensive society that "Emotional Abuse" is a thing; I feel additionally bad as if I am somehow being abusive by bothering her with things or if I flood her with messages about stuff.
Needless to say; I tend to yammer way too much when nervous or talking about something I am excited about for that minute. If you don't believe me - look at this post. HaHa!
In the end... 2019 has been pretty crap for me... and way more anxiety ridden than I ever could imagine a year to be. And this past week has been my start to try and get ahead of 2019 and try to start making an attempt at bettering things for 2020. Finances was first as I used my Money program to set up budgeting & bill reminders. Telling myself the new rules to things like buying food from the workplace vending and gas stations... and fast food places. Two fold results from the ruling to avoid fast and premade foods as most as I can will not only save money ( I spent an estimated $1,000 on workplace vending in 2019 - wtf?!), but also mean I intake less unhealthy food.
Speaking of food - I have been trying harder, over the last month or so, to make food for work and not use vending or fast food. The main goal is just simply to lose the weight and get healthier. I have most likely been a pain to my vegan friend on and off with my little epiphanies of most store foods and fast foods... even though she knows about all these things already usually.
Art... oh my stumbling point every year. I don't want to promise things on my art, my websites (currently my domain is offline until I have a full site made and then will hash out hosting issues), or the like. I know I am governed by work and my overall mood usually, but I do want me to focus on it more and I wish to really focus on it from a new perspective. While I've always seen my art items as hobby and nothing that fancy - I do want to start at least putting a more purposeful attempt into it.
I want to have my art and the Celix Productions name be more than just a passive thing for fun and try to at least treat it as me having an Illustration path to it. At least to try and promote more the art and explore ideas to bring it into the public more. Be that YouTube or PR, or me just actually drawing more.
All of this is just my current notes to myself for the next year. I am not worrying about the decade's end or all of 2019 as I have reached a pretty love point in my own personal and mental being. I will keep and plan to always keep trudging forward. As taboo as my view is of it - suicide is, to me, accepting defeat and having the will to hurt everyone who cares about you ( weather you know it or not) and hurts everything you've ever accomplished. I am too stubborn and bull headed to accept the defeat of the battle I have set myself into because of my own poor willpower and inability to see past my failures, lacks of things and people, and overall struggles.
Will i still feel like sh*t the rest of the year? Possibly. Will going to family gathering this Christmas be very hard and have me already regretting saying I would try to make it? Yes.
But I am getting tired of my bullsh*t and I want to work harder in 2020 to reverse it and move forward to be healthier, thinner, more productive, more cozy than I felt all of the last 2 years of hell I survived as I watched someone very close to me pass away and those who claimed to be there for me.. slowly step away to move their own paths.
I did it once in the past... and it was deemed the Neo's time. And I hope to make 2020 and the next decade again the time of the Neo's and the time of Celix.
If you made it this far in the post... Thank You!!! Leave a lil comment if you want as well! Merry Christmas to everyone and Happy New Year/Decade!!! :>
~Dave (CelixDog)
No comments:
Post a Comment